Strangelove or How I learnt to stop worrying
by doctor b. broseph
Summary: Gwen and Kevin are both romantically interested... in Ben! But when aliens interfere and certain duties are expected of the trio plus Julie , who will end up with whom, and will it lead to the coveted romance they desire? Gets frisky after Chapter 3
1. A Public Exposure

It was a bright, sunny day as Ben Tennyson marched unsuspectingly down the streets of Hornswoggle City with his pal Kevin Levin and his possibly incestuously attractive cousin, Gwen Tennyson.

Not one of the trio suspected a damn thing was about to happen which was a shame, because good Lord, things were about to happen with wild abandon.

Things they would be uncomfortable speaking about for years to follow. Not that they had an inkling of this.

For now, they were content to walk down the street and trash-talk the Saturday family.

"And what's the deal with the Secret Saturdays?" smirked Ben smugly, "I mean, come on. Zak Saturday is such a shitty wannabe, with his fucking animal-mind-stick or whatever, what a shitty plot device. My Omnitrix is much better."

"I think you mean your Dominatrix," smiled Gwen, reminding Ben of the device's latest inexplicable upgrade.

"Oh man, I had forgotten all about my Dominatrix," smiled Ben glancing down at the device that autocorrect had renamed hilariously, "How could I have forgotten this upgrade that made all my monsters 20% more BDSMish?"

"I wish I could forget it," shuddered Kevin, "there is something disturbing about seeing Ghostfreak in leather and chains. Something disturbingly… erotic?"

"Ha-ha, I think the _real_ Ghostfreak here might be you, Kevin," laughed Ben.

"Ben, that didn't make any sense," frowned Gwen, put outing.

"Do you know what really doesn't make any sense? Zak Saturday having a girlfriend!" giggled Ben, "Oh Snap! Wadi, more like _Bad_i McTerrorist."

"Ben, that's offensive to terrorists," scowled Gwen, "Try to be less bigoted."

Ben shook his head in disgust. He was disgusted.

"Hey Gwen. My parents died in 9/11 you sick bitch. Maybe terrorists deserve all the prejudice they can get."

Gwen raised an eyebrow bemusedly.

"Ben, your parents are fine. We visited them twenty minutes ago."

Ben rolled his eyes and elbowed Kevin, "Oh yeah Gwen? How do you know those aren't actors I hired to keep up the pretence that my parents are still alive to impress you guys? Am I right, Kevin?"

Kevin shrugged and a bead of sweat rolled down his nose, snakingly.

"I agree with Gwen because I am dating her Ben."

Ben sighed.

"Yeah, like you are just dating Gwen to keep up the pretence that you don't like the penis and lots of it, pronto! Ha-ha! Am I right, Gwen?"

Gwen began to look around shiftily, nervously laughing.

"Ha. That's almost as ridiculous as suggesting that I am only dating Kevin to keep up the pretence that I don't have an incredibly, but perverse, cousinly incestuous lust towards you Ben. Ha-ha."

"You guys are both Ghostfreaks," laughed Ben heartily, before strolling off into a JB-HiFi store, "I'm going to see if they have Skyrim."

The pair of them watched hungrily as Ben shook his caboose into the electronics store. They hated to see him leave, but boy, did they love to watch him go!

"I think he's onto us Gwen," whimpered Kevin, "one of us needs to make a move on him already. Solve this love triangle once and for all. We can't keep making out while pretending the other is Ben, that's just sick and wrong. It's unhealthy damnit."

"Yeah, plus you're a terrible kisser," lamented Gwen, "not to mention that your 'package' is severely underwhelming, if you know what I mean. What I mean is, you have a small penis."

"Whatever, pettanko," sneered Kevin, "Go iron your chest. That is how you keep it so flat right, baka?"

"I am so fucking kawaii, you don't even know," snarled Gwen, "not to mention, I got all the lady bits that Ben could possibly want to use. On account of how much he likes lady bits. "

Kevin swore in Japanese, for reasons inexplicable to the sane.

"Ben is a FLAMING homosexual, and it's about time you accepted that."

"Like hell he is! Ben is going to fuck me so hard; it'll give you a damn concussion!"

"More like he's going to sodomise me so tenderly, you'll get an erection on account of how FLAMINGLY homosexual it is!"

"I can't get an erection, Mullet-slag, I'm all woman! Something you will never be!"

"Oh no you di'n't!" said Kevin sassily, snapping his fingers in a manner not unexpected of stereotyped black women everywhere.

Gwen's nails descended in preparation for a slashing. Kevin tore off his shirt and invoked the name of Taylor Lautner, to aid him in battle.

"What in Vilgax's name, did I just overhear?" frowned Ben, completely confused, "Were you guys arguing over which one of you was going to sleep with me?"

Gwen and Kevin exchanged nervous, furtive glances. Just looking at their shift glances was enough to confirm their guilt.

"I can't believe this," frowned Ben, throwing his arms up in contempt, "here I thought you guys were my totally platonic friends, and all along, you've just been hankering for my cock!"

He angrily booted a can of Tasmanian Pure Apple Cidar that happened to be lying around. It was of course empty, after all, who would have discarded such a delicious beverage without first drinking it and feeling the refreshing taste of Tasmanian-bred apples?

"So that time I got hit by a poison dart, were you guys trying to use the excuse of 'sucking out the poison' as an excuse to make out with my… wound?"

"What! No, we didn't want you to die-"began Gwen, before Ben angrily ranted over whatever she had planned to say next.

"Yeah, wouldn't want your _love interest_ dead would you?"

"I wouldn't necessarily mind," muttered Kevin quietly. Both Ben and Gwen looked at him with disgust.

He raised his arms defensively, "I'm just saying is all."

"This just makes things kind of uncomfortable," sighed Ben, "especially with the sexualised appearance the Dominatrix gives to my alien transformations now. I'm not sure I'm comfortable hanging out with you guys, if you're just hanging out with me angling to get laid."

Just when things seemed they couldn't get any more awkward, Julie walked around the corner.

"Ben! Hey Ben, what's going on? What are the haps guys? Hi Gwen! Hi… Ben's friend."

"For future reference, my name is Kevin," sulked Kevin sultrily.

"I'll keep that in mind," cackled a voice from behind the quartet.

They all started and spun around, to see a mysterious shadowy alien with a rather large probe. He pointed it at them and fired a rapid succession of darts at them. Each dart found their mark and the quartet collapsed.

"Stage two is complete," breathed the alien excitedly, now my ridiculously circuitous plan can begin in full tour de force. I think that's what it supposed to begin in anyway."

He walked forward and staked the four unconscious bodies one of top of the other, Ben on the bottom and Kevin on the top, before dragging them back to his ship.

"Soon I will know all I need, and my vague, undefined goal will be fulfilled."

And with that, he dragged them off into the darkness, leaving behind a quiet street devoid of any life except for a single JB Hifi patron who was too apathetic to do care about what he had just seen anyway.

"Someone else's problem."

_**To be continued…**_


	2. I think I'm turning Japanese

Within many, th_e_re is an underlying threat that is associated with **darkness**. Something unner_v_ing, som_e_thing siniste_r_ about the **absence** of light. We fear it, though it doesn't harm us, at least not ph_y_sically.

It awakens s_o_methi_n_g within us. A d_e_ep rooted fear that _is_n't easily overcome.

So as Ben found himself lying on a cold floor, _going_ nowhere fas_t_ and seeing **n**_**o**_**thing** at all, he began to worry not unwarranted that he and his _f_riends might be in tro_u_ble. He took a step forward, stumbling heavily into thi_ck _steel.

He fell back onto the ground, with a metallic thud. The cold floor beneath him was an unwelcoming acquaintance.

"Not You Again," Ben groaned, feeling his face pressing down on the surface, "I had hoped for A Better Kiss. Ah well, just another of the Little Lessons."

"It has to be this way," he muttered, turning to face what he assumed was the opposite direction. It was difficult to discern direction in the **dark**.

"Into the **Dark**," he mumbled nervously, hoping he didn't accidently stumble into an ember lake or anything strange like that.

But unfortunately for Ben, all he encountered was another unyielding wall.

They were in all directions.

Trapped.

* * *

><p>"What an intƐrƐsting huƐ thƐrƐ is to this room," scoffed Gwen angrily in the <strong>darkness<strong>.

She had awoken hours ago on a cold floor, not unlike Ben's own, not that Gwen had any idea of Ben's predicament or **location**.

Unlike Ben's small prison, Gwen had found herself awake in a large room, with various inclines, furniture and a rather comfortable carpet.

"This placƐ is hugƐ," she noted to herself, "It is immƐnsƐ."

If she had only had a torch, she thought to herself, then maybe she could have navigated through this immense **obscurity**.

"HƐllo? AnyonƐ out thƐrƐ?" she whispered quietly. There was no response. Nothing but silence and **emptiness**.

There was definitely some sort of mystery at work here, thought Gwen to herself. Something odd was going on and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

She was going to find that **shadowy** alien, rescue her friends and go back to her house and enjoy the rest of the **night** as she had planned. No strange kidnapping plan was about to stop her.

* * *

><p><em>(An hour passes…)<em>

* * *

><p>As Ben sat in the <strong>darkness<strong>, only the light of his Dominatrix was there to give him some comfort. He sat before what appeared to be the door, waiting for its opening. He had a vague plan in mind, to activate the Dominatrix and charge at his attacker when it finally opened but after that he had nothing.

He would just have to search the ship for his friends and hopƐ for the best.

_They could_n't be in too much trouble if he himself was relatively unharmed, right? Surely if they were going to maim/ torture one of them, _they would_n't go for anyone else? He had the dominatrix; surely that was what they wanted?

As Ben sat in the darkness, all he could was hope his friends were okay.

The door opened.

_**To be continued…**_


	3. Getting Down to Business

_**҉ᶅζƐϤ… Begin.**_

(Unknown (?) time prior to the **door**'s opening)

As Ben sat in the **darkness**, he thought over what had happened. Thoughts swirled angrily in his mind like a disturbed swarm of hornets and soon, their malevolent buζζ seemed to consume his mind, filling him with **dark** and angry ideas.

_God damn it all, some friends they are. _I _thought they were supposed to care about me, but all anyone ever wants from me is their own selfish self-gratification. I'm nothing but an _object_ to them, I exist to be used. They want me to satisfy their own needs with no thought to my own wants._

_I've never felt so disheartened to know these people. They are selfish in the extreme. All take and no give. Think I'm overreacting?_

_We were supposed to be friends. Friends don't objectify each other. Friends aren't in it for a quick fling._

_A real friend would care enough to ask me about my feelings. Actually try to build a relationship. Rather than view me as some sort of priζe._

_It all seems so fake, so meaningless now. I hung out with them for years and now what? I discover they never really cared for me, except in their own __shallow__ little ways. I was something to obtain. I listened to their problems, tried to be a good friend._

_I gave them everything and they lapped it all up. They wanted more, and now I'm __**empty**__, __down__ to the last dollar, the price I had been saving for something else, and they demand that too!_

_Well do you know what? Screw them. Let them suffer and whine. I'm not giving them this. This is all I have left._

_I'm saving this._

_For someone true._

Skulking back to the cold floor, his only companion, Ben became consumed with a flurry of increasingly angry and forgiving thoughts, constantly contradicting himself as he tried to decide how he viewed his friends.

* * *

><p>(Simultaneously, in Gwen's cell…)<p>

At this point, Gwen was lying **unconscious** on the cell floor. She unfortunately had no awareness of anything occurring around her and as a result, viewing things from her perspective would be an exercise in futility. Sorry to dash your hopƐs but let's face it, practically speaking, it wouldn't be very exciting to describe.

She felt **nothing**.

She smelt **nothing**.

She heard **nothing**.

She tasted **nothing**.

She did not see anything physically, but in her mind's ƐyƐ, she saw a fleshy structure that seemed to resemble some sort of Fr_en_ch lan_d_mark. This would have nonplussed her to no end, if she wasn't dreaming.

As it is, we tend not to take much notice of the oddities that populate our dreams. I myself once dreamed of a tree house that took me back in time _sever_al millenniums, allowing me to run afoul of dinosa_u_r_s_. But that's hardly relevant at all to this story.

In fact, it may be best if you just skipped ahead to Julie and Kevin's close encounter before I get carried away on another tangent. Although one could claim relevance on the topic of the manipulation and improper relocation of persons throughout that oddity that is _**TIME**_.

I got distracted again. You had better skip a head.

Shoo.

Shoo be doo, shoo shoo be doo.

Scat.

* * *

><p>(Elsewhere and chronologically an hour prior to the opening of Ben's cell <strong>door<strong>…)

As Ben and Gwen sat in the **darkness**, unaware of the events occurring around and between them, the **shadowy** alien who had brought them there skulked back to his colleagues, leaving no sign that he had been watching them at all.

His fellow Transmilfadorians would have questions about the experiments he was holding, questions he obviously needed to answer to continue.

He was lucky to have reserved a place on the Shipping Vessel at all; the only ship he knew of that regularly visited Earth. Their connection to the Plumbers made his plan even harder to pull off, especially with Ben's status as a galactic hero.

It would take a bit to convince his fellow crew members Slash, Hetero, Yuri and Yaoi to let him continue, but he knew how to play to their weaknesses. He knew what they liked and how to get it for them.

If his experiment was successful, they would all see what they wanted. Hell, it wasn't so much of an experiment anyway, so much as an involuntary peep show. He wasn't ashamed to admit his own depraved interest in the affair.

He smiled. Soon all he would make all those romantic fictionalisations of Ben's adventures a reality.

He was creating a _fix fic_ for reality.

"Excellamp."

* * *

><p>(In an adjacent cell, twenty five minutes after the events of the section above…)<p>

"So… you and Ben are… acquaᶅntances?" inquired Julie in a bemused tone.

"Our bond is fire-forged Ϥnd true!" gasped Kevin flustered, "He meϤns everything to me!"

"Yeah whatever. _ᶅ__'m sure_ he shares those sentᶅments. Anyway that wasn't the poᶅnt. ᶅ just wanted to know, does thᶅs sort of thᶅng happen often?"

Kevin shrugged, "Well not reϤlly this sort of thing. But we hϤve encountered some pretty messed up dudes before."

"ᶅ'm just saying, thᶅs ᶅs pretty messed up," scoffed Julie, rocking back and forth impatiently, "But you don't seem to mᶅnd ᶅt all that much."

"I've hϤd worse. MϤybe it's just the effect of the Ϥlien pollen they're pumping into this room. It could be effecting how I perceive such… deprϤvity Ϥs this."

"ᶅt ᶅs pretty fucked up," breathed Julie, "what kᶅnd of sᶅck alᶅen freak gets off on forcᶅng us to do thᶅs?"

Kevin shuddered.

"Are you done?" asked Julie.

She looked around the dimly lit room, as though expecting someone to confirm.

"Are we fᶅnᶅshed her? Can ᶅ take off thᶅs goddamn strap-on?"

There was a moment of eerie **silence** before a horrifying alien voice boomed across the **dark** room.

"Filthy human female, please c҉ ntinue the experiment ҉r y҉u will be ejected int҉ **space**. This is all very imp҉rtant f҉r ҉ur research… and ҉ur enj҉yment I guess. We are pretty sick alien freaks. Please c҉ntinue."

Julie rolled her eyes frustrated, tightened the strap-on and got back to work.

Kevin lay forward and thought of Ben.

* * *

><p>(Simultaneously…)<p>

Ben shuddered. He couldn't help but shake the feeling that something awful was happening, and there was **nothing** he could do to stop it.

* * *

><p><em><strong>To Be Continued… At Another Point In Time Most Likely Angling Towards Future Events Involving The Protagonists In Increasingly Risqué Situations…<strong>_


	4. A Premature Finish

_**And now the thrilling conclusion...**_

(Back at the point where the door was opened)

Ben gasped as the door opened to reveal Julie pegging Kevin in the ass with a strap-on. To be perfectly honest, the list of things he had expected to see had not included this possibility.

"Julie…" he gasped in disbelief, "I disbelieve this is happening."

"Ben!" gasped Kevin and Julie in unison, "ᶅt's not whϤt ᶅt looks lᶅke! The Ϥlᶅens Ϥltered our hormone levels with Ϥlᶅen pollen Ϥnd we hϤd no choᶅce but to gᶅve ᶅnto cϤrnϤl desᶅres such Ϥs thᶅs ϤbomᶅnϤble Ϥct."

Wide-eyed Ben stared at the pair slack jawed. Julie hadn't even paused what she was doing, nor had Kevin made any effort to stop her.

"I think I'm going to call bullshit there. 'Alien pollen'? What is this, shitty erotic fan fiction? Correct me if I'm wrong but have we ever heard of alien pollen forcing people to copulate within the last decade of fighting aliens?"

Kevin paused.

"Well, I suppose we hϤven't but thϤt doesn't meϤn-"

"Did you ever consider the 'alien pollen' was a placebo? They just told you it would affect you like this so you just got to it because you just assumed it was the effects of some pollen date rape drug?"

"When you put ᶅt lᶅke that, ᶅt makes me sound kᶅnd of slutty," frowned Julie reproachfully.

"You're still going at it! How is that not at all slutty?" shouted Ben exasperated, "You are all unbelievable. Did you never consider it was all a ruse?"

There was no response from either. Just Kevin grunting on the floor.

Ben facepalmed.

* * *

><p>"Shit, he's ҉nt҉ us," muttered Yaoi, "We'd better kill them and st҉p this getting ҉ut. The Plumbers w҉uld be pissed if they knew what sick shit we'd tried t҉ pull."<p>

The shadowy Transmilfadorian who had brought the quartet cursed angrily.

"I guess y҉u're right. Can we at least keep the D҉minatrix? I'd like t҉ be able t҉ get s҉me Gh҉stfreak acti҉n, if y҉u kn҉w what I mean."

"We _all_ kn҉w what y҉u mean Bwen-Juvin;" smiled Yuri sadly, "If anything happy is t҉ c҉me ҉ut ҉f this, it is the p҉ssibility ҉f Gh҉stfreak acti҉n."

And with that, the five pulled various levers and opened the airlocks.

"And another thing," began Ben before he and Kevin and Julie were sucked into the **vacuum **of space. He would have continued but unfortunately, explosive decompression hastily interrupted him.

The trio was _**DeAD**_.

* * *

><p>"Well that clears up every l҉҉se end d҉esn't it," laughed Slash.<p>

"It sure d҉es Slash, it surely d҉es," smiled Hetero and the quintet laughed heartily back to their quarters.

They sat back, took out the whips and chains and nominated each other to use the dominatrix and played with Ghostfreak long into the **night**, ensuring that they all lived happily ever after.

_**The End**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's note: Wow. What an adventure this fic has been. Hard to believe it's only four chapters! Sure was fun though eh?<strong>_

_**If you have any questions or criticisms for this story, please leave a review and I'll take it on board.**_

_**Thanks and good night!**_


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